News Roundup

Here are a few items you may have missed in the news of late. In amongst the agony and destruction (and I’m just talking about the ALP here) are those genuine, heartwarming stories that remind us that, yes, as a species we really are completely screwed. After all, if we keep turning out idiots like these, what are our long term chances for survival?

ARIA is worried about music dumping from Asia?? That’s nothing (SMH)

A driver for the Dave Matthews Band has been charged after dumping human waste from a tour bus over the side of a bridge onto passengers aboard a boat.
Stefan Wohl, 42, who turned himself in to Chicago authorities and was released pending a March hearing for reckless conduct, drives a bus assigned to the band's violinist, Boyd Tinsley. Prosecutors said Wohl was alone on the bus at the time of the incident over the Chicago River in Michigan last August 8.
Up to 380 litres of waste were dumped over the bridge and fell on scores of people aboard a boat passing underneath. Several of the passengers, who were on an architectural tour, retched and tore off their clothes. No-one was seriously injured, authorities said.

I mean, I always thought their music was pretty shit, but what do you charge them with when there are so many offences? Would it be worse to get a busload of Dave Matthews Band CDs dropped on you? And where are they dumping those? Let’s face it – they’re not flying off the shelves themselves…..


Why Cops need to be screened a LOT more carefully (The Age)

A feisty magpie picked the wrong person to swoop when it menaced the son of a Victorian policeman in his backyard on New Year's Day.
The suburban constable says he got his high-powered .22 rifle and killed the bird.
Now the policeman, from Diamond Creek, is under investigation for discharging a firearm in a built-up area and may face wildlife offences.
Animal activists are outraged over the death of the bird. Magpies are protected.

What a complete knob – we’ve all had a maggie swoop down on us from time to time. Remember that great old theory of putting a ice-cream container on your head with eyes drawn on it to scare them off? I’m not sure whether it worked because they thought something much bigger than them was staring them down, or if they were just too busy pissing their feathers laughing to bother attacking anymore. I’m hoping someone remembers this sort of thing, otherwise it’s yet another cruel thing I have to blame my parents for.

So let’s have a good hard think about whether this is the sort of cunt-stable we really should have on the force. Perhaps Victorian police need a little more time at Police Academy dedicated to ways to resolve problems without shooting. Come on fellas (and ladies) – you know you can do it.


Pump up the Justice (The Smoking Gun)

So when the cops do catch the bad guys, they send them to court. And what is the judge doing in there, you ask? Well, he’s amusing himself with a penis pump under the desk!

While seated on the bench, an Oklahoma judge used a male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and pleasured himself, state officials charged yesterday in a petition to remove the jurist. According to the below complaint filed by the Oklahoma Attorney General, Donald D. Thompson, 57, was caught in the act by a clerk, trial witnesses, and his longtime court reporter (these unsettling first-hand accounts will make you wonder what's going on under other black robes). Visitors to Thompson's Creek County courtroom reported hearing a "swooshing" sound coming from the bench, a noise the court reporter said "sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up." Thompson, the complaint charges, even pumped himself up during an August 2003 murder trial.

Whatever you want to get up to in the privacy of your own bedroom, or even your own chambers if the door is locked, is normally OK with me, as long as no one else is hurt or degraded, unless they specifically ask to be (and even then I’m not so sure it’s a great idea). But I would hope that if I ever came appeared might be a better term before a judge, he was concentrating on the facts of the case, rather than having a pull under the desk. Plus if you’re stupid enough to believe that a penis pump is going to enlarge your dick*, then you’re probably not smart enough to be a judge.

Go and have a read of the whole thing when you have a sec - it's pretty damn funny.

* I’m secretly hoping that during the investigation they discover that the pump wasn’t actually a “gag gift from a friend” as the judge claims, but was in fact purchased by the judge in response to a spam email about penis enlargement. That would make the whole saga even funnier.

More actual content soon.

Promise.