Second best

Following Ms Cynic’s great post on why she was such a bitchin’ Maid of Honour (MOH) I promised to respond with why being Best Man generally sucked.

Best Man is an odd sort of tradition, really. The Best Man originated from the days when a groom would kidnap his bride. Back in the days, her father may not have been too happy about this as she was his property and he had expected a nice dowry for her, so the Best Man was there to help in a fight should the need arise - he was there just in case some of her family decided to try and take her back (that is why the best man stands on the right of the groom, leaving his sword hand free). Obviously to do this the groom would choose his closest friend, someone he trusted to protect him at all costs and get him and his bride to safety or better still the church. Really, if medieval man had any brains, he would have hired a decent mercenary for the job.

Now, none of my mates that have got married actually kidnapped their bride. In some cases, I’m sure the respective family was happy to be rid of her. But that’s another story. I’ve never seriously tried fencing, but I would imagine I’m pretty useless with a saber / rapier / pointy stick, so the actual use of a best man is a little beyond me. Except for the fact that you WILL be possibly placed in positions of danger, and be expected to fight your way out. It’s just that no one has the decency to give you a sword to do it with anymore.

Your roll as best man will start some time before the big day – the general rule of thumb is the bigger the wedding, the earlier you will get pulled in. Hurrah – you are now part of the bridal party. A large part of your responsibilities at this stage will consist of keeping the groom alternatively sober (rehearsals, shopping, etc) and drunk (the rest of the time, due to stress). Expect to hear details about aspects of your mates beloved that you identified early on in their relationship, but were too much of a friend to point out. Your response in these moments needs to tread the fine line between supporting your mate, without insulting his bride-to-be. And remember that he will have changed his opinion of her tomorrow, so it’s best to not really have one at all.

Other duties include getting suited up for the big day. Of course, you will have no say in what you will be wearing, you just get told. Brides here fall into two camps: the first will simply tell you what you will be wearing, and where to go to pick it up. This is actually the preferred option. The second type of bride will just come along when you go looking for outfits. Not to tell you what to wear, mind you. No, that would be interfering, and that’s not her style. She’s just there to tell you which outfits NOT to pick.

Now saddled with a rental suit and a potentially drunk friend, it’s time to meet the Maid of Honour you will be partnering. The third most stressed member of the wedding party (the bride and her mum are running neck and neck – awaiting photo before odds are paid), the MOH is rarely even single, let alone hot. Actually, if you are only meeting the MOH at this point in the proceedings, the above won’t matter all that much, as it is a blessing in disguise. The alternate scenario is that, as a single friend of the groom, the bride-to-be has been trying to set you up with HER single friends for years, meaning that either :
a) you’ve already slept with the MOH, and she now hates you, or
b) you wouldn’t sleep with the MOH, and she now hates you.

It’s going to be a long day.

When the big day arrives, your duties ramp up, mainly getting the groom to the church on time / sober, and remembering to bring the rings. Failure in either of these tasks will result in certain death. You then have to stand through the entire ceremony (pray it’s not catholic), all the while getting death stares from the MOH (see above).

After the “I do’s” it’s more standing around while papers are signed, then some glad handling of mystery relos, before being loaded into a car and driven off crammed next to the now hot or cold and angry MOH. Everyone else is off to the pub, but no, for you it’s more standing around in a few locations while the requisite 5000 photos are taken.

Finally you make it to the reception, but it’s still not plain sailing. Oh no. First, you will still be running around, herding people to the photographer, and keeping warring sides of the respective families apart. Always extra fun if either of the bride or groom have divorced parents who don’t get along… And you won’t be drinking much just yet, because you’ve got the all-important speech coming up. It has to be funny, memorable and moving, a fitting homage to the couple and the day, not too long (boring) and not too short (trite). AND you have to deliver it with style, despite nerves, stress and those few drinks you’ve managed to sneak in.

After all this, it actually gets better. That’s because the night is now basically over, apart from the waltz with the now (thankfully) drunk MOH, who will take this final opportunity to give you her honest, forthright opinion of your shortcomings. Oh, and if you have brought a partner to the wedding, you then need to make sure that you grab them immediately, and dance with them longer than the first dance, so everyone knows you belong to them, even though all you want to do is sit down and drink.

Once the happy couple ride off into the distance, all you have to do now is make it home, and get the rental suit back on time. Reject any offers from others (especially the brides mother) to do this – you WILL get trapped into reliving the wedding in detail.

So tell me, is this the BEST we can do?